Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Tues Witterings

Congrats to MattyH for taking down the Bloggerment on Sunday... again! I finished a poor 11th.I had to lay down a couple of hands to reraises and eventually had to go with A10 and ran into BM's AJ.That left my stack crippled and I went out soon after.

I played a wee $6 turbo with Rosie ( who took it down!) and later I managed to almost bust my Inter roll after a nasty wee hand.( I can't afford the $1 so I'll spare you the bad beat tale!)

Last night I took more stuff to the flat in preparation for moving in on Sat 14th.Rosie said that all men are c*nts the other night in the chat but kindly made an exception for me!I'm not sure she should have done.I'm still unsure if I'm a net addicted,poker addicted numpty who has just blown a fine relationship or if the relationship was on the slide and I escaped into my laptop as a consequence.

I'm not sure either if I'm a selfish bassa who was too set in my ways after nearly a decade of living by myself, or if it was just that over the last year as the ex retreated into her shell to deal with her Mothers death,that I did the same.I do feel I tried to support her and be there for her, but maybe I didn't do enough, or try hard enough to keep things going between us.

It was a tough year though.She was obviously very very depressed but then went from that to a kind of false amphetamine like high a lot of the time, due to the prozac she was on.( which drove me nuts)

When she came off that there were more major lows and it's only really now her moods seem to be evening out.Of course starting the menopause and piling on the weight didn't help matters either.

When the ex actually told me I was being dumped I was quite upset for a few weeks and then kind of came round to the idea that I'd just been kidding myself I was happy and that splitting is probably for the best.

It then became a case of dealing with not seeing Step A and Nacho on a daily basis and making provisions to keep seeing them as often as possible.Some friends have mentioned making a cleaner break but I've been a Stepdad to Step A for 7 1/2 yrs and although the situation may change ,as long as she wants me in her life then I will be there for her.

As the actual move out date closes in though, I'm just not sure how I'm feeling.I found a couple of photos of the ex from a few years back and looking at them brought back memories of happier times and I felt like a c*nt again!

Her assertion that she was far more outgoing than me and that was one main reason for us splitting does still seem like nonsense to me.I'm not and never really have been a pub person and excuse me if my idea of fun is not Karaoke in the local Indian restaurant/pub on a Sat night.

Part of me feels quite excited to be going back to my flat,doing it up and then making a decision on whether to stay there and I wonder if I would feel like that if I was still deeply in love with the ex.Another part of me will miss the feeling of belonging that comes with a relationship.

Just now though, I feel like I'd happily stay single for the rest of my days.I know I'll eventually want to try and meet someone new and that won't happen by spending my nights glued to my laptop playing poker or surfing aimlessly.I find that idea a bit daunting to be honest, as although I've had a few serious relationships, I've never been good on first dates, chatup lines, or even the small talk required when people first meet.

Dealing with those evenings where the last words I speak in the evening are to the work security guard to say goodbye and the next time I speak is to wish the same guy good morning the next day can be lonely.When I used to stay at the flat I did volunteer befriending to keep myself busy during the week.Still, back then I didn't have an online poker addiction to feed and close friends at the table such as Mr "bodybag+u" ( charming 'Stars name )and "yourdead".

Actually "bodybag" wasn't my friend.I don't chat at non-blogger tables but when "bodybag" complained because he was sitting next to someone called "gayjack" I couldn't help but ask if it was because he found it too tempting.( he tilted out a hand or so later).

Anyways back to the poker and I didn't play much last night as I just didn't have much motivation to do so.I played one $16 turbo ( 18 player as usual) and had built my stack up to $3k ( from 1500) when I made a 5bb raise with JJ.A solid winning player instantly shoved when the action got to him, greed took over and I called.I just had a feeling I was behind or it was a coin flip at best and when the villains AA held up I was very annoyed at myself for not taking more time over the decision.

Righty I'm not sure how much of the above makes sense or is anything I haven't already written but I do feel better for it! ( better than I felt after getting the £94 bill to repair my car stereo yesterday!).

Ok,thanks for reading.....


At Tuesday, 04 September, 2007, Blogger Rosie said...

Oh, alright then - if you insist - ALL men are cunts. ;0)

The thing is A, I don't think what happened between you & ex Mrs A has to be either of your 'fault's. Just two people with different ideas about what they wanted to do with their spare time and grew apart.

At Wednesday, 05 September, 2007, Blogger Juice said...

I think if you start comparing yourself to some kind of paragon of virtue then you will always come short. Men are by nature fallible and they will fall short.

I think objectivity and hindsight are a good thing but I dont think you should beat yourself up so much. In any given situation you make your decisions the best you can and it might be right or it might be wrong but even if you went back and did again whose to say that any new decision you made would have made any difference?

You know your situation reminds me of a friend of mine who someonetimes have difficulties raising her kids. She sometimes loses her temper and yells at them and then feels really guilty. She worries about what kind of mother she is and i told her that good mothers dont doubt and dont question their own actions. I think the same applies to you in a way. The fact that you seem quite conscientous might be the quality that might just prevent you being the "cunt" that you are frightened of being.

Sometimes mates its best to just stop doubting and thinking of the past and concentrate on the future. (Which includes nacho and step a.)

At Wednesday, 05 September, 2007, Blogger Juice said...

sorry i think i meant to say bad mothers dont doubt and question their actions! Its the questioning that keeps them honest!

At Wednesday, 05 September, 2007, Blogger Littleacornman said...

You're both far too sensible sometimes! Cheers for the comments.


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