Monday, April 27, 2009

I Confess....

Ok,ok,it's time to own up.It's not easy writing a post like this, but I can no longer kid myself on that everything is ok and that life goes on as normal.I like to think I'm straight forward and honest with my readers so it's time to step up to the plate and confess that....Steven Segals latest film is the biggest pile of steaming horse shite I've ever seen.

Since the days of Hard to Kill and Under Seige ,avid fans have come to expect stunt doubles,the dubbing over of Stevie's actual voice,cheesy scripts and a healthy dose of mindless violence.These are accepted as the way of the Stevie and are much loved by connoisseurs of the genre.

Even by those high standards,Kill Switch was a real letdown.Sounding like a preacher from the deep South complete with "May the Lawd have mercy" type banter and using "Matrix" style camera shots, which meant repeatedly showing someone falling from a window over and over again.... were just the start of the awfulness.

Using the gun with endless bullets ( no reloads for Stevie),deciding he was going to catch not just one but two serial killers,treating the rookie female FBI agent like she was something on the bottom of his shoe and gangsters who just couldn't wait to get into a fight with or actually shoot a policeman ( Stevie's character) added to the ridiculousness of it all and I haven't even got to the best bit yet!

He actually treated the FBI girl so badly I expected that it was a set-up and she would go on to find a vital piece of evidence or prove her brilliance,leading Stevie to reconsider ( as in a million other similar films) his hasty first appraisal of her.She did happen upon some random domestic incident when leaving a murder crimescene,kicked the ass of the evil bloke who was battering his wife....and then lost the plot entirely by actually having the cheek to accuse our hero Stevie of being the serial killer!!

Most surreal of all though was a scene where Stevie's partner is telling the FBI girl about a scary arrest they made together. The FBI girl couldn't even view a dead body without spewing and here's another tale about the macho grizzled crime fighting veterans making tough arrests.

Cut to footage of Stevie and said partner creeping through an old house to arrest a cannibal serial killer dressed as a clown.The killer is eating an arm,holds it out for Stevie to take and delivers one of the oldest lines in jokebook history..."Does this taste funny to you?".

Meantime, Stevie has been shacking up with a would be cop girl trainee who obviously hangs on his every word, despite Stevie acting like he's in an impotence advert by refusing her sexual advances due to his heavy serial killer work load.( he's been working on astrology codes to solve this one).One of the serial killers breaks in and brutally murders his poor cop girl near the end.Stevie boy takes the murder of the only woman we've seen in his life pretty well and after he's disposed of both killers,he knocks on another front door and decides to dispel the limp dick theory once and for all.

Yes,the door is opened by a hot young blonde woman and Stevies kids who are all making their first appearance of the movie.( not even a mention until now)
Of course the kids go out to play,blondie gets 'em out and Stevie gives us a knowing smile before the bedroom door closes and the film ends.Aghhhhhhhhh!

Ah well the s-man and I will never get that 93 mins back.

Not much to report on the poker front.Congrats to Pushmonkey1 on taking down the Bloggerment last night.I went out on the final table bubble...again!

Back soon...

NSFW.Segal window scene..

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7 Comments:

At Monday, 27 April, 2009, Blogger dD said...

ffs i lost count after the 10th shot of guy oot ra windae ....

no doubt i'll get to see the full movie in xx years time when C4 do yet another Segal season ....

 
At Monday, 27 April, 2009, Blogger Juice said...

I think if you watch seagal you deserve everything you get. In fact you probably deserve to live out the rest of your natural life as an extra in high school musical 3

 
At Tuesday, 28 April, 2009, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wouldn't kick her out of bed, but she hasn't made it into my wank bank.

http://www.imdb.com/media/rm3413938176/nm0226597

 
At Wednesday, 29 April, 2009, Blogger Littleacornman said...

Hard to Kill is on this weekend dD.Classic Segal.

I bet you wouldn't say all that to Stevie's face Juice.Pick a window!

Nice link Anon.I'd never heard of her before.Very nice.( as was the blond wife he aquired at the end0

 
At Wednesday, 29 April, 2009, Blogger Juice said...

I dont know whats more scary Seagals face or his acting.

 
At Thursday, 30 April, 2009, Blogger Juice said...

in fact im not so sure that guy got kicked out of the window. He probably threw himself out the window in an attempt to get out of filming the rest of the movie.

 
At Thursday, 30 April, 2009, Blogger Littleacornman said...

Lol Juice."Hard to Kill" is on 5USA just now.He was a far better actor back when he had his ponytail! I'm off to enjoy one of the all time classic movies...

 

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