Legendary Complaint letter

Won an sng and lost an sng on my poker account since I last posted.S-man was over and we managed to lose an sng and place 4th ( itm) from 20 for a small win in another.Dropped $20 at a wild 5 max $25 table at Pokerroom before the S-man hit the road.

I'm not getting the car back until tomorrow and had a nightmare getting home with a 40 minute wait to get the bus home followed by having to get a taxi most of the way because when the bus got just over half way up the road the driver decided he wasn't going all the way to my area.He said the front of the bus never gave East Kilbride as it's desination but that's what my ticket said so I took a photo of the driver and regestration number on my mobile and will complain bitterly!!

Maybe a letter like the one below in fact....( more poker content arriving soon ,honestly!)


Ok the names have been deleted to prevent me being sued but it was written to a large UK cable company with a 3 lettered name starting with N and ending with L.The other co mentioned is probably the UK's largest phone co...

Dear Cretins,

I have been an N*L customer since July 9th 2001,when I signed up for your 3 -in-one deal for cable tv,cable modem and telephone.

During this three month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible ,as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.Please allow me to provide specific details,so you can either pursue your professional prerogative,and seek to retify these difficulties-or more likely ( I suspect) so you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B@H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.


My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice ,resulting in my spending an entire Saturday afternoon sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive.When he did not arrive at all,I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music ,and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website….. how?

I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept.


The rescheduled installation then took placed some two weeks later,although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools – such as a drill-bit,and his cerebrum


Two weeks later,my cable modem had still not arrived.After several further telephone calls ( actually 15 calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived…a total of six weeks after I had requested it,and begun to pay for it.


I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%...these are usually between the hours of 6pm and midnight ,Monday to Friday,and most of the useful periods over the weekend.


I am still waiting for my telephone connection.I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week ,and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals ,who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.



I have been informed that a telephone is available ( and someone will call me back) ,that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available ( and then been cut off) ,that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available ( and then redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed ,that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available ( and then redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman… and several other variations on this theme).


Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter ,as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore ,and also one of those crucial testicle moments to attend to.


Frankly,I don’t care,it’s far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music .


Forgive me,therefore,if I continue.


I thought XX were shit ,that they had attained the holy piss pot of god-awful customer relations,that no-one,anywhere,ever could be more disinterested,less helpful or more obsrtructive to their customers.That’s why I chose N*L,and because ,well,there isn’t anyone else is there?



How surprised I therefore was,when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are,You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum-incompetents of the highest order.XX-wankers though they are -shine like brilliant beacons of success,in the filthy puss filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.


Suffice to say I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you.I suggest you do likewise ,and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver-any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief-although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision,and perhaps even a small measure of bemused rage.


I enclose two small deposits,selected with great care from my cats litter tray,as an expression of my utter and complete comtempt for both you and your pointless company.I sincerely hope they have not become dessicated during transit –they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting,and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.Consider them the very embodiement of my feelings towards N*L and it’s worthless employees,


Have a nice day-may it bethe last in your miserable short life ,you irratatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

Yours psychotically,


And a quick one from the paper....

Last word
ONE of Her Majesty's Greyfunnel Line ship-driver's insists this is a true tale from a recent naval conference which brought together admirals from America, Britain, Canada, Australia and France.

As the officers chatted amicably in English, a French admiral complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English, asking: "Why must we always speak English at these conferences, not French?"

A certain froideur greeted the American admiral's reply: "Maybe because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."